Weightless

Ahhhhh….

Woke up this morning with the empowering feeling of lightness. I finally roused myself from a nightmare that lasted 7 months. Finally. I was smiling, and even a defective car alarm piercing the calmness of the morning didn't matter. I just knew, today is going to be a good day.

As I regained consciousness, I felt the pain in my left arm. I didn't know clutching a phone tightly for a prolonged period could cause such pain. My earlobes were sore too and I vowed not to stick earphones in my ears for a day or two. It needs recuperation after the laud, coarse, barbaric night before, where Aveena just couldn't control her decibel level over the phone. And oh, how I strained my ears to make sense of the deep guttural noise of another friend. But hey, it was worth it - letting it all out, once and for all.

The cause for celebration ? My liberation. Ha! I'm ecstatic. Still. And I'm gleaming.
Also, learnt a few things about myself. I NEVER knew I could speak softly over the phone. I was practically whimpering at the right moments. Astonishing!

****

It was an unmistakable smile. And it spoke of my prediction that today was going to be all good and happy. The baby boy in light blue with soft hair, red, butterfly soft lips, clear, angelic pale moon white skin looked at me like he wanted to share my joy. I played peek-a-boo discretely but stopped when another patron turned to look. After that, I couldn't help but to wallow with an urge to have babies of my own. Maternal instincts have no sense of place or time.

There's a huge problem though. I'm too tantalised by the fruits of sex to discount males entirely. Beyond that, they have no place in society. Males = Dullards.

****

The house I took 10 hours to clean lies in a clutter of mess now, but I don't care, not one bit. Lil' bro and mommy are back. That's all that matters. More reasons for me to be happy today.

When my 9-year-old brother sat on my lap and fed me ice cream I was brimming with felicity. I missed him, sorely, and at least I can have the satisfaction that it was mutual. He was brown and I couldn't help whacking his butt and exclaiming aloud over and over again on the disappearance of his gluttonous belly. He's lean, but he's still adorable. He's the cutest thing that happened to me and it took me 9 years to realise that…

Mom was okay about it, when she heard I had done enough to have her car reside in a workshop for a couple of days. Thank god. I had calculated that if there were anything that can ruin the promise of today, it would be her wrath.

****

I have got to study.


current music : Bobby Mcferrin's Don't worry, be happy

To Adam,

I AM CHOKING. CHOCKING WITH ANGER.
I AM CHOKING. CHOKING WITH DISGUST.
I AM CHOKING. CHOCKING WITH UTTER DISBELIEF.
I AM CHOKING. CHOKING WITH MY OWN STUPIDITY.

I'm vexed. And the keyboard has to suffer my brunt.
I can't believe it. Not one bit. It finally makes sense.
All that crying, all that mourning, all that celibacy till I find someone worthy.

You know what, I'm throwing it all out the door.

TO HELL WITH MEN.

I feel extremely dirty. Dirty with filth, dirty with stupidity.

While I was bawling away, he was running around trees with an Eve. LITERALLY. Months after he tempted me with an apple, only now I'm beginning to see that there are many, many Eves choking away with a bloody bite of apple in her throat. BLOODY HELL YOU ADAM!
Not bad for apples which were just a day away from rotting. The First Sin comes at a high prize. Intelligence was hampered under the pressure of a mouthful of apple. Or maybe, it is just I.

My life is EXACTLY like a soap opera. All those hopes and bloody hell dreams of 'being different'. All that spirit. All that zeal. And now - I AM NOTHING BUT BROKEN.

You know what? Be careful what you wish for. Be very careful.

Yes, I prayed for strength. I prayed that it would one day make sense. And guess what. Today was the day. It all started with a suggestive "How can you study when you're so Restless?"
Now, that coming from a woman, only another will understand that the Woman's Intuition is working her hands. So, I lightly touched the water, only to induce a torrent of words. I wanted to hear it, as much as it hurt, and I wanted to dash, to leave, to run, as much as I wanted to stay and be Enlightened.

It's all cliché. It's all-pathetic. It's all-ridiculous. It's shameful.

I need to scrub myself hard. Real hard.


Is it APPROPRIATE to commemorate this instant with a song?
Oh, one thing is for sure. I am NOT GOING TO SHED ONE MORE TEAR FOR ADAM. NOT ONE.


With disgust,

Eve

p.s- how many, truthfully was there before me, and after me?

Long/Short or Big/Small ?

I chuckled when I spotted that little piece of news at a remote corner of the newspaper spread. This would be a worthy piece of information to discuss…

****

As I was telling Minnie about the article, her impulse was to grab a ruler. Her eyes swiftly scanned the length of it, but she decided to reinforce the spatial dimensions by using her index finger.

"9 cm….my god…IT'S LONG…"

Oh yeah. Agree with her, totally. Unlike our bread eating counterparts, we, who gobble nasi lemaks and teh tariks will generally agree that 9 cm is too long for a penis. A flaccid one at that.

"Imagine, if it was erect….creepy……"

The idea that longer/bigger is better is still - indigestible to the masses who hasn't literally delved into the world of fornication. We just don't see how a relatively larger piece of…flesh can be inserted into a rather tiny orifice. Then again, like love and hate, pain and pleasure is separated by a thin line.

So, how do men measure up below their belt?

The longest - Italians - With an average of 9 cm, they not only have their generally chiseled looks and lean bodies to boot.

The citizens of Hamburger Ville (The US) have to settle for second place, averaging 8.8 cm.

The others are, well, not worth taking note of.

I'm certain some of you are already fidgeting, so I'll cut to the chase and list down some Discovery Channel Quickies instead of rambling aimlessly.


1) 75% of males ejaculate within 3 minutes of penetration. (Isn't that a bit to fast?)
2) Males under 40 are typically able to reach an erection in less than 10 seconds.
3) A typical orgasm lasts 3-5 seconds, with contractions occurring every 0.8 seconds.
4) Medomalacuphobia - fear of losing an erection. (fascinating..)
5) Among primates, man has the largest and thickest penis. (Males beat the gorillas that measure up to 2 inches…hurrah!)
6) A small flaccid penis has a greater percentage increase during erection than a larger flaccid penis. (grow-er vs. show-ers……hehhehehe)
7) Some studies shows that the higher educated males have a greater tendency to have wet dreams.
8) Males become sexually aroused nearly everytime they dream.
9) The male fetus is capable of attaining an erection during the last tri-semester. (They start young..)
10) Ithyphallophobia - fear of seeing, thinking about, or having an erect penis. ( Phobias don't seem to have an end, do they?)
11) At the age of 70, 73% of males are still potent. (Horny old men….)
12) Oneirogmophobia - fear of wet dream (damn!)
13) The rhinoceros has a penis measuring 2 feet long (My goodness!)
14) The initial spurt of ejaculation travels at 28 miles an hour. (Just as a matter of comparison, the world record for the 100-meter sprint is 27.1 miles an hour)
15) The left testicle usually hangs lower than the right for right-handed men, and vise versa.
16) A man's testicle increases in size by 50 % when aroused. (That too?)
17) Micropenis - A rare disorder where those afflicted suffer from unusually small penis, from 0.75 to 1 inch - erect.


That's all folks!

Calming myself with Kenny Rogers' Crazy

Hostility

The first thing I was conscious of was my brain - working while my eyes were still shut. A song was playing in my head, and I refused to get out of bed until I figured the title of the song. I randomly picked names, but I couldn't put my finger on it. So I turned this way and that, ruffled the blankets and felt the cold breeze brush my legs. Like a jolt, I realised that I was thinking of Lifehouse's You and Me. Then I opened my eyes, and was greeted by the bluish hues on the early morn.

When I finally mustered enough determination to get out of bed, I looked at my ridiculous Winnie the Pooh clock. It was 8.20 a.m and I saw my dinner plate on the dressing table, left unwashed due to my blatant laziness. A new day, a new set of chores, and a whole lot of carry forward work to be done and over with. Ugh!

****

It was odd how the merged class of July '03, Jan '04, and Mac '04 reacted when from one corner of the room a classmate shouted, " Meera!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!".
Everyone turned to the one that had shouted, shocked at her brazenness, then slowly turned to Meera once they fathomed what the short sentence meant. What shocked me was the fact that all of them collectively kept quiet. As if the seconds of silence usually given as a sign of respect during funerals was a fitting birthday greeting. Only some bothered with claps and cheers but there wasn't a song or any of the likes, as if it just took too much from their able bodies.

I sighed, regrettably. What is it with this world? Aveena made spontaneous plans to take Meera out for a treat at Secret Recipe. Half of her zeal must have sprang out from her guilt - she had forgotten all about it and had resorted to calling up other friends just to confirm that yesterday was in fact Meera's birthday. After all the chiding Eunice, Meera and I smothered Aveena with; there was just no other way out. How many times has that girl let us down? Haih, haih, haih….

*****

Happy Birthday Meera!

Wasted

Only a few minutes have passed since it dawned on me that it's been exactly 3 months. It's morbid that I'm 'celebrating' such an event. Morbid - because I'm still where I left while everything around me has evolved, changed, left, moved on…

Putting things behind, letting go - are concepts entirely foreign to me. Things that I lost are embossed on the yellowing pages of my life stories, while things I have with me still are invisible until they cease to exist. It's purely human, except I'm making the same mistakes time and again. Just each time, the scenarios are different, different casts, different scenes laced with harsher circumstances. I must have deafened all ears around me, so much so I'm attached to blogging for the satisfaction of whining away my sorrows.

Sad.

****

After this morning's near death (I'm not kidding) experience - as early as 6.30 in the blinking hours of dawn, I'm wasted. Starting with the splitting headache on Friday to the 12 hour long spring clean on Saturday to the nasal leakage that left virtually all waste-bins in the house teeming with Klennex on Sunday, there was just no end the torture I was putting myself through. As of today, I'm including Panadol in my diet when all I can think of is sleeping pills.

Of the near death experience - I'm only disclosing this much - I'm assuming all financial responsibility, of course, with a very heavy heart. I absolutely hate it when ironies creep back on me, choking me, then leaving me emaciated.

****

The only highlight of today - I happened to win the goodwill of a friend that allowed me access to continuous air play of Aerosmith's Crazy while waiting for a class to start. If I might add, the class never started - some mishap in the scheduling. And I'm also indulging in a little distraction - storybooks. Reading two at the same time. The only consolation is I'm temporarily diverted from thinking about him.

To sum it all up - Monday sucked, like the entire weekend.

Need I say what song keeps playing in my head over and over again?

p.s - My blog is becoming a published journal…sheessh!

With A Stiffened Neck

I'm writing this out of responsibility than interest. There's just too many things to say. My thoughts are muddled and fatigue has eaten all my muscles just below the neck, behind the shoulder.

First thing first, exams are finally over. None of us were ecstatic about it though. It must be the finals, just lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce on us. After 2 weeks of grueling papers, and it's 24 in total for me, everyone knows that 2 legs up on the table is what we need.

My classmates and I decided to watch a movie to kick back and relax. We saw Be Cool. Let me tell you, it's a pointless movie, but hey, when did things make sense in the first place. It's perfect for unwinding though. Who wouldn't enjoy a thoroughly calculated dance routine with John Travolta in it? After all this years, it's so enjoyable to watch him dance. Minus the hype, the extravagance, and all that mumbo-jumbo roller coaster ride, I was intoxicated. It was sexy with elegance at its best, what not with Uma Thurman as a dance partner. I loved it. And yes, if you like music, you'll be up on your seat in this movie. It's full of it, plus an exhilarating gig with Aerosmith entailed. I must not forget The Rock. He was by far the funniest character. Laughed out loud with ass whipping 'action' and 'monologues'.

***

It's 10.30 p.m already and I haven't had my bath yet. My nose aches with the slightest facial movement, all thanks to the proliferating pimples. My headache is blinding me and I can't keep my face up anymore. Throughout the exams, it took me at least 10 seconds to focus when I wanted a glimpse of the clock, placed very far ahead of me, relative to the exam papers. Should have had it checked a long time ago, but procrastination and I go hand in hand.

***

I have got more to say but if I go on, this will turn into incoherent ramblings. I need to hit the sack, not before popping some sleeping pills….


Drowning into my pathetic and totally unfounded infatuation on a particular someone with Aerosmith's Crazy.

Fresh Start, Or Maybe Not

It's New Year's Day tomorrow, Indian calendar that is. Which will only mean more work for me - cleaning up the altar is a complex chore and I doubt I will get the utensils to shine anyhow. Considering how exasperated I'm with household chores, I don't think I'll relish the thought of the extra I'm making myself do just for the sake of it.

I found out by chance. I noticed how the temple was a-buzz with activity for the past 3 days and a call from my aunt confirmed it. The idea of 'celebrating' all alone is sappy enough, a quick look at my exam calendar made me conclude that this new year is starting off like the rabies is to a dog. I have 3 papers tomorrow, all Chemistry, one of which is a practical.

I don't know how I'm going to cram up all that I have to do. Since studying is out of the timetable (yeay!), I think I'm going to have to wake up earlier than usual, if the usual 5 a.m is not early enough.

1- To dash to the temple to collect that holy water, to use during my bath. It supposedly cleanses away your sins and gets you going with a fresh start. By the by, it's very nice smelling.

2- To mix a thick paste of herbs to use while shampooing after rubbing myself with oil. The oil bath is pleasant and all, but I can't imagine the mess I would make out of the bathroom…more work…argh!

3- Start burning incense sticks, blast the radio with devotional songs, ring the bell, light the lamp, pray…

4- Dash to the temple again, for the New Year's Prayer. I can alternatively go at night but the crowd is sure to be huge and there would virtually be no parking space.

5- Dash, again, but now to college, only to conduct a non-fool-proof experiment involving god knows what only to get negative results.

6- Eat lunch. Oh I must be vegetarian, and so that rules out cafeteria, Yu Yee and everything else. How I wish I could dash to my grandmother's house. Her mouth-watering Sambar a.k.a Dhal with veggies and oh, that sweet pumpkin dish she used to make…..

7- Sit for 2 more bloody papers in that stupid lecture theater. I tell you the energy needed to keep yourself warm is more than what is needed to think. Shivering isn't helpful either, especially since after nearly 2 weeks doing the routine, I'm having tics even when I'm not at that cold storage.

8- Home sweet home - not entirely sweet since I'm all alone.

Some new year huh.


Looking ahead with Diana Ross's When you tell me that you love me

So, It's Me, Myself and I

I'm so excited. It's official. It's my FIRST DAY entirely alone. Except for persistent calls from nossy relatives, I'm the man of the house. I get to eat whatever I want, watch whatever I want, listen to the radio station of my choice and I can very well walk naked around the house - a matter of expression since it's technically impossible to be completely out-of-sight in a condominium.

So, today started earlier than usual. Sent my family off for their pilgrimage at 5.00 a.m. I had planned to go back to bed - I have always managed to be jaded about things like this. Instead I scrubbed myself and drove - uh the car's MINE too!!! - to the temple at 6.15 a.m. It's a surprise even to me. It's my first time alone at temple and at such a time.

By 7.00 a.m, I was in college. Yes, a bit too early - I'm an early person, but not a morning person. As I was sitting at the empty cafeteria, it slowly dawned on me that I've to survive with cafeteria's food for 3 weeks, at least for lunch. Not a very pleasant thought. As for dinner, oh well, I'll cook - if I don't burn the food prior to consumption and if it's edible.

The first thing I did when I got home was change the radio station placed in the hall. Tuned it to Light and Easy - a current obsession since I'm more of a romantic than a cynic now. As I scanned the house and tasted the stuffy air, thanks to the shut windows, I wanted to repeat my favourite line 3 times with enthusiasm - I'M ALONE. Just that very second, I saw the pile of things on the dinner table, the unfolded clean clothes, dirty laundry, dishes with stagnant water in the sink, sheets of my silly brother's comics and on and on and on…..

Very well, I don't want to start studying right away anyway. I'm the type that does everything except study during exams. But seriously the chores didn't end. It was one after another. After clearing the comics I got appalled by the dust on the floor, after cleaning the dishes I realised there was more in my room, after cleaning the dinner table I decided to shift the old newspapers pile to a more hidden place. Then I discovered the amount of food there was, leftover that is. How am I going to eat all this?

The leftovers are proving to be just too much. I can't throw them away right? I only have my sense of smell to gauge how rotten they were. I almost wanted to have something for dinner when I caught mold growth with my ever failing sight. Then I found some cookies all soft with too much air exposure but it was still good. What do I do with them? Uh, maybe I can mix biscuit crumbs and yogurt…er…isn't that crumbs with cheese instead of yogurt? GOD!

This isn't going to be as fun as I thought it would be. But for starters, I have decided to slow down on the cleaning. Will stick to one spot a day. Besides, no one is visiting - yet. Ah, can't wait for the 'drunken rendezvous' with a bottle Merlot and little shot glasses (doubt shot glasses are appropriate with wine…hrm)…..The only thing that worries me is the verbal diarrhea I will go into during bouts of incoherence, other that that - C'est La Vie!


In the mood for love with Shania Twain's Don't

Single but really, Unavailable

I'm exhausted. Imagine having weights stuck on your neck, pulling you down persistently. After 5 days of 'warring' (exams) with an average of 2.4 battles (papers) a day, in the North Pole (Lecture Theater E), I felt like 'celebrating' with a late banana leave lunch with a friend that I haven't been spending time with, thanks to this pointless wager I made with Cambridge International Examinations.

As it turns out, she came to college looking all spooked out-having missed her Law Paper because she was too sleepy - studying for the said paper the entire night before. She looked so pitiful; I didn't want to bug her. Ended up sitting at the orange-y cafeteria in college that I like more now since I'm getting discounts after months of flattering the canteen operators. She left after a while, but no harm, carried on with my late lunch - now turned very early dinner with a classmate (Dena) and a dear friend (Halim).

I was gulping down my Maggie Mee Tomyam soup when Dena noticed a 'hot guy'. Well, he was kind of cute, but, really, just wasn't my type. He was well built though. Halim gave us the background check on this guy, who turns out to be from Syria. Let's baptise him Syria, shall we, to make my write-up a little less tedious?

Syria sat on the next row facing me. As Dena and I listened and giggled at Halim's narration of Syria, it was only natural for me to look at Syria, right? I glanced at him, a little more than I should. That’s when he caught my eye. He looked back, and I quickly shifted my focus to my soup with residues of maggie mee in it. The weird thing is, he didn't stop looking…instead he started smiling. He was under the impression I was checking him out…opps!

By then, I stared laughing. I know, I shouldn't have but I've got the funny bone. It was tickling me too much, so much so I was on the brink of sprouting 'holy water' on Dena. I explained to Halim and Dena what happened and blamed in all on Dena, arguing that he was checking her out. They didn't let me go away easily though. They insisted he was checking me out. I highly doubt it, considering that I looked like trash. According to Ms. Sathya, I have the excuse to, since we are having exams, but, seriously, everyone else is dressed to kill!

Halim started threatening to bring him over for introduction and the sorts, but I wasn't the least bit interested. Honestly, I couldn't careless about his existence while Dena was saying how happy she would be if he was checking her out. By then, Syria had joined another group of friends and was sitting on our row.

Thankfully, my ride was waiting for me outside, so I excused myself and left. Dena, cheeky as she is, shouted…"Bye PRIYA!" Like as though he was going to catch my name. How ridiculous is that?

I'm currently laughing my head of, still. It's bloody hilarious. A few months ago I would have been excited, but now, oddly enough, I'm shrugging away all this bullshit with a laugh. I'm honestly not interested. The question is - WHY?


Condescending with Faith Evan's Hope(or is it Hopeful?)

Family Planning and Tuition Fees

3 friends sat on the stairs.
Heavily pregnant Ms. Azizah walks by, carrying a bundle of papers.
One nudged, pointed a chin towards her.
Once the coast was clear…

"Hey, since when was she pregnant?"
"Long time already…you don't know meh?"
"…huh…she didn't look pregnant before this.."
"Maybe it's that blouse she's wearing…more.. noticeable now.."
"Oh my god, forgot to tell you. Ms. Kana is PREGNANT!"
"WHAT ?! How can you Forget to mention something like that? First you forgot to tell me she came to KDU. So weird. Weird how you people Suddenly remember things nowadays…"
"Heh, sorry lar…."
"She's pregnant again…so fast….Isn't it a one year gap…Wait, she told us she had a baby last December right?…uh…December '03? My god, 2 YEARS only?"
"Why, what's wrong with that?"
"Yah, 2 years is fine what.."
"2 years? It's too soon lar. All the hopes I had for Ms. Kana…and she Blew it"
Laughs…"why?"
"She's like the typical Estate Indian now…with no inkling of family planning…after all that…education.."
"Heehehhe….I didn't say anything.."
"Maybe she thought she was ready for another one…"
"2 years is not a gap at all"
"What's wrong with 2 years. I think it's nice. You'll be closer to your siblings and such"
"No, what's wrong with a 4 year gap then?…5 maybe?"
"It's just to far…see like you…you're not even talking to your brother.."
"That's not the point. 2 years is just too soon…"
"Oooohhh…you're talking financially is it..?"
"YES, Yes…by god, took you guys so long…"
"By the time it's 2nd year, the other needs to get to college…the parents would be pulling hairs of their head.."
"4 years is fine…my sister is in her last year and I'll be getting into U soon…"
"Heh, for medicine…even 4 years is not enough…"

Another friend bumps into the trio.

"HEY!!!!"
"HHHHHIIIIIIIII"
"MS. KANA IS PREGNANT!!!"
"WHAT?! So fast. Such a horny woman. Doesn't she know anything about condoms?…(LAUGHS)…Man she's going to suffer with all that tuition fees…"
"Why you two think the same way huh?"
"You wouldn't believe it. It took them so long to get my point on why she's pregnant way too soon for her own good. And you, you just came and -Bang- bull's eye!"
"Really, 2 years is fine lar…"
"Hey my gaps are 2, 2 as well"
"Oh, how's the tuition fees thing going..?"
Laughs…

Time for Thinking Skills Paper 1.

p.s - Stress pimples are out and about on my pizza face. I look like trash too.Ugh.


Soaking up the sun with Desiree's You gotta be

Sincerely Altruistic

" I feel sad.."
"Why?"
" It's P. She's not happy. At all…"

I smiled and slowly added up the equations. There's no mistaking now why P. asked me something that would normally come from me.

"Why is life difficult?"
"I ask that question everyday P…but, if you ever find out why…please, please tell me…"

Yes, should have come out with something better to comfort an 'out-of-sorts' friend, so, nearly 2 hours later, I left the freezing library to, well, chat…

"I just can't put my finger on it. I just don't know. I don't know why I'm heavy hearted. I'm not comfortable…and it's really not about the exams…"
"Try asking yourself random questions and give honest answers to them, maybe you'll see what's wrong.."
"The thing is, maybe it's not my problem after all…I get really wrapped up with other people's problems. It's just not me at all…to carry my problems around.."

Let me tell put this plainly. P.'s a natural do-gooder. She wakes up everyday having in mind a mission - and that is simply to help.

"I want to make a difference. My greatest fear is to die, not doing anything…not helping, not making a difference in someone's life. I just don't see the point, everyday…I feel useless if I don't help…"

Honestly, I don't get it. Maybe it's because I was so immersed in a world desiccated with kiasu-ism. Why would someone do something with absolute selflessness? Is that state even achievable?

Just wasn't brought up that way. It's a shame really. It was a mantra or the likes - I must have a direction. I must achieve something, I must get this, I must get that - for myself. It's apparent now…it's utterly foolish.

People like P live for others, but people like me, shamefully I have to admit, live on others. Truly embarrassing, really. It's parasitic at best.

As college draws closer to an end, we talk about all that has happened, all that had blossomed and all that had wilted. The most beautiful part is how close we have become, and how much we really care for each other - selflessly, given a short span of time.

If you see us sitting on the stairs next to a classroom, waiting for a paper to start, there's no doubt now what we are actually discussing. The essence of life is what we make of it, and it's all completely up to us how we make it.


P.s - my predictions that the trials would be nothing short of hellish is true.

Mellowing to Gary Barlow's Forever love.

Sunday Blues

Spent the entire weekend bumping around the house, literally. Also squeezed my plump little brother to death, on a couple of occasions and taking numerous naps on my plush bed.

Self-deterioration doesn't get worse than this - I don't make my bed at all! Considering I take refuge among the slithering confusion of blankets, pillows and bolsters every 4/6 hours, there's just no point in cleaning up my nightly mess.

I found a Merlot in the cupboard today. Flirted with the idea of popping the bottle for lunch, then decided better not. I'm not going to nurse a hangover during my exams. Mommy dearest then suggested I open it when I'm alone. (I'll be officially home alone from mid-April. YipPie!!).

"Enjoy your loneliness!! It's better if you get drunk when you're alone. No one will have to endure your rubbish! "

Hrm, I guess so. I shall do it!

Recuperating with Dave Matthew's Walking in Memphis

Sodden

It's one of those days…when you can't wait to get home because you're tearing in public. When home comes to view, you dash to your haven, lock the door, shut the windows, draw the curtains and crawl to bed. You slowly coil yourself into the fetal position and take comfort offered by darkness. Then you press your face down on the sodden pillow, wet with your tears so no one can hear you.

Trials started today, and I know the above is exceedingly dramatic. My first paper was a practical and I came out of the lab with a distinct feeling that I had screwed it up. Yes, so what, it's just trials right, and this is just one out of the six papers for the subject. But, there was a prevailing sentiment that this was the preview of what is in store for me in the weeks to come.

The minus point about having a direction in life is that you never seem to have the means to 'take the leap'. It's like long jump, back in Form 3; I never could land with both feet although I technically knew I could, more like I wished I could.

I went to see my Chemistry lecturer today, to get some papers from him. He was surprisingly obliging, in fact, all the lecturers are. They smile more, and you get the feeling that they actually care for you and feel your pain.

"So, need anything else?"
"This is it, for now."
"Eh, wait, this…your forecast…"
"I already have it right.."
"…this is different…so what do you want…eh heh?"
I was just to blur to gauge what was happening..
"There…A…. You make sure you follow through for the real exam…I'm betting on you…will lose 5 bucks.."
"Huh? Who you betting with?"
Laughs…"Myself…heh.."

Conversations like this leave a trailing bitter aftertaste. No, it's not pressure, it's the realization that you could end up with things other than a distinction. It's just a pity, considering I need them to get me anywhere.

"You make things hard for yourself…", Aveena told me this and I couldn't rebuff her. It's true. It's the one thing I do to make my isolated life profound. It’s the way I live my life and everyone has the right to choose how to go about living the life. When you disappoint yourself, there's always a time when you just except your shortcomings and move on. I mean, who else is there but yourself? It's different though, with other people, especially if you know they are sweating blood for you.

Despite the morning's drawback, I stuck to my plan. Go to British Council and do my stuff after days of cooping myself up at home. There was a Bob Marley look-a-like strumming the guitar, singing and making a living for himself at the underground walkway connecting the LRT to KLCC. Nothing beats the sound of resonating strings and a good voice…its stark, naked,vulnerable, simple and direct. When I could have just stuck to read English, live-talk-eat-sleep in prose, feed the hopelessly romantic me, I choose to expose myself to the parasitic, harsh and unforgiving reality of life.

Recent times have made me think my prayers, dreams and everything else have fallen on deaf ears. After last year's (thankfully) brief spell of being an Unbeliever, I am not going to torture myself with that hollow emptiness again. So, when you close your eyes and think of Him, do put in a good word for me. Tell Him I wish to remain sane if all else fails. Tell Him I'm a walking-talking-laughing-breathing zombie. Tell Him I need strength. Tell him I need hope. And tell Him I need faith - in myself.


The only comforting sound now is my breathing.