First 10 hours

2231


Just crushed a hairy teeny-weenie bug with a pen tip. There's a blot of yellow slug on the paper now… gross. The slug's equivalent to blood anyway. Am frantically pushing myself to complete these blasted notes for a month now. It's one hell of a load, and it's about kidneys. Kidneys and urine go side by side - explains why I get turned off easily. Discovered that my lecturer's handwritten notes are nothing short of crap. The task of reading through page after page of the same thing and making concise notes is simply arduous. Ugh!!! Oh, and never leave a phone to vibrate on a hollow plastic material unless you want your heart to beat against its cage. Eerie…


2336


Saw a carrot and a broccoli fight WWF style in Daddy's Day Care. Am trying to stifle my roaring laughter. Everyone at home is asleep. Seeing a bunch of kids at diaper wearing age in a line, tagging behind the guitar man is really something not of this world. Kids would have to be very bright for that, and not many are. They're adorable though. It's just far more engaging that Osmoregulation.


0044


44 minutes into the last day of the year. Am tired of Biology already. Rubbing my callused fingers and wondering what to do next. For now :

1)there are 16 lighted units in Block A of my condominium unit (out of 114)
2)I unit has their Christmas tree still intact - complete with colourful lights and displayed rightly near a window for everyone to see.
3)1 unit has lighted candles placed on the balcony's furniture. Judging by the voices, my guess is they are having a heart-to-heart-girl talk.
4)The roads and wet and glistening, thanks to the tired orange glow of the street light.
5)The guards are restless and smoking the night away, as usual.
6)My legs feel so cold…

This is going to be a long night…

0620

Couldn't resist the refuge of unconsciousness. Dozed off at 0122. All this years of planning to be wide awake at 0530 on 31st of December have fallen onto deaf ears, even if its my own. Tried and failed on my 18th year. So basically, exactly 18 years ago, I was 50 minutes old. My guess is the nurses were still haggling over me. Mom always said my birth was quick although I never had any way to check. The holiday season devoured all the doctors, and so the nurses were first on the scene when I decided to take a peek into the world. I was actually late - very late. Was due on the 28th. The doctors had C-section planned during mid day of the 31st if I still refused to show up. Given enough encouragement, I measured up, I suppose.


0708


The sky is bluish-purple, the perfect colour to paint your room with. But, it just fails miserably at creating that contrast between heaven and earth the world gasp and awes at sunrise. You have the ceaseless drizzle through the night to blame for that. It's still misty and dank-everything is just hanging in the air. It must be very cold outside. The lobby's flooring has an unsightly colour, courtesy of the rain. I can hear the flapping of the pigeon's feathers. This place is filled with really fat and slovenly ones. Pure white pigeons are not rare. As a car cruises along the road, the puddle splashes. I think I'll skip a morning jog and replace it with an evening appointment. The mist is clearing up fast - visibility is improving by the minute..


0832


Listening to my aunt singing 'happy birthday' in a squeaky voice. She claims it's actually her 1-year-old son singing. She booked me tomorrow. The job - to baby-sit Calvin while my mom and her indulged in a girls-day-out. Birthday greetings are getting quirky these days. At zero hour, had a few but the weirdest one to date is "…so you can finally get drunk & and sex." Didn't know you need a license for both vices. It's so….repressive. Still dizzy with sleepiness. Am not hungry yet although breakfast was 2 hours ago. Digestion's vaguely improving. 2 more pages of notes to do and I'm done. Currently home alone - that's license to do anything I want.

Coming soon..

A 30-hour journal of myself, ushering the new year. Hopefully, I'll be able to saty awake, without caffeine that is.

Cross your fingers!!

Hey Jude - (y)

So, everyone thought I got really cracked-up this time when I chose to work in the library. I can give a list of reasons, but I reckon no one would hear me out anyway. I just went about with my head held high and told myself that bar-coding books was a new and refreshing experience. A torrent rushed from a cracked dam when it hit me that I simply exchanged time with energy and was exceptionally brutal in wasting it.

As I shuffled books weighing more than my arm in and out of the shelves, manually searched for matching code numbers (the numbers were torturously huge), opening books that could be 10 years old but never saw the brighter sunlight, the air and everything revolving around me STANK! The stink emaciated me and now, I am convinced I’m bullshitting myself. Hey, the numbers now all look alike.

If the musty-good-for-nothing-over-100-years-old-material law journals were not enough, a librarian called Judy with a braided pony-tail and a funny smelling hair-oil took me under her wing. Boy, did she cling! On the first day of the job – hey, that’s fine, but when she started telling me the sequence of numbers were ascending or descending, I had enough. Decided then to avoid eye-contact, mostly to control my blinking anger. “Damn it Lady, I AM COMPETENT !”

Took myself for a ‘letting-my-hair-down’ session by walking to Atria (the nearby shopping mall). Also needed solitude – if I wasn’t lonesome enough! The joke here is, I didn’t have to sign out and I did mention I was going to take awhile. I was getting paid by the hour and Judy – the mother hen was helping! HA!

I’m neurotic and anyone can attest to that. The only thing that was really enticing in that gloomy place was the PayLess Bookstore. I got 3 books for RM 15 with Oprah’s Book Club logo on them – assurance that every penny spent was worth it – I really hope so. Since I had been craving for Kaya Balls for sometime now, I indulged myself with those little golden things with heavenly innards. I actually walked around aimlessly for 20 minutes to wait for it to cook. Shopped a little with the pretence of getting a belated birth day present but ended up buying something for myself.

By the time I got back, the air conditioner was comforting and Judy set a date with me for the next day. How can I say no..??!!

Things got a tad worse when she divulged the internal politics of the library complementing it with all the conflicts and power struggles, spiced up with tales of racism and noble human tolerance. How dear Judy braced herself while everyone else was doing things wrong. Told myself that I was not going to get involved. Next year, when I come back as a student, that is all I am going to be.

The type of politics that existed in that place was akin to that which I experienced in secondary school. Believe me, it stinks with plots, back-stabbing details, the culmination of which is worse that the mite-eaten, musty books. So, I stuffed my nose, and ears, as I walked with Judy leading the way and sat with her for a decent meal. After that she raced to a dingy looking bookstore only to buy a B-rated novel (judging by the cover).

On the way back, while clutching my Cincau and wondering what the heck I was doing with Judy, she said, “Let’s use a short-cut”. Well, don’t know if it was one, but it was a LOT quieter. Just like the atmosphere, we threaded on a more personal chit-chat. She talked so much that I decided to blurt it out, “Are you married, Judy?”. Now, I knew the answer. She was a spinster to the core that collected cook books and lived with her mom that refused to let her keep a dog, nevertheless, I asked her anyway.
“No, why? I look married is it?”. I just shrugged and decided to humour her.

Judy told me she didn’t want to be tied down and even added a true life story of a man being happier as a bachelor. Just then I thought it’s nice to be in control, but on the expense of living a routine and mundane life and clearly showing it? I’m not far away from ending up like that. Worse, I would be a spinster only to be eaten by Alsatians at the backyard – just like Bridget Jones before she bumped into Mark...

10 days ?!.....Bullshit!

Monologue:

It’s been 6 months plus plus and counting. Surely, it’s near impossible to get hitched in 10 freaking days! But what if I start the whole enterprise with the pretence of losing the guy in 10 days? Really, Hudson was so successful playing along this strategy – “How to lose a guy in 10 days…”. So why not me?

Dream on….How can I lose something when I haven’t got it in the first place. Bloody good question I would say. Just…. I can’t help but lament, why, why Why is it a near impossibility for me to get something close to a companion?

Okay, so I am going to sit myself down and really examine this muddle.

First of, the problem isn’t out there, but in retrospect – in HERE.

Rule #1: Don’t cling.

Sounds simple enough, but easier said than done. I mean, Who the hell doesn’t get excited? Yes, you got it – NO messages, no SMSs, no phone calls and no ‘coincidences’. I guess it’s good to remember that it takes 2 to tango. I remember following this Rule like a mantra. There was this time that I drove myself sick and decided to sleep on it when at the 11th hour, he sends a SMS. OH MY God! Considering it was me who always started the “SMS conversations…”

Rule #2: TLC

Tricky, tricky, tricky and give it time, this can get very boring. However, to expect tender love and care, one has to give it – generously. Some people just can’t sing and you have to admit it even if it’s your crush. The experience can be alleviated if you know the words too, but if you don’t – just drown yourself in the awkwardness of the moment akin to being sung a lullaby.

Rule #3: Pretend

Don’t know whether it’s better to follow this one religiously or simply throw it out of the window. It’s horrendous to sit through something when you don’t give 2 shoots about whether its and air or ice ball. Then there is the torturous time when you miss him like crazy but Mr. Handsome has a “guy’s night out” to attend instead. So, it all comes down to pretending by saying “Ok then honey, see you later” or simply showing how you really feel. Either way, someone is bound to be unhappy. The first situation is a “win-lose” one while the second one is downright “lose-lose”.

‘Tension of Opposites’ – that’s what love/crush is. At the end of the day, both parties will be flaked out after a vigorous tug-of-war competition…

Still haven’t solved my problem. Well, at least its 6 months and STILL counting..

11's not quite enough...

So they made it 12. Not complaining though. No!

The addition was top-class. A futuristic butt-kicking, high flying carrier woman with a broken heart. Playing a Europol agent was peanuts for our gorgeous Zeta-Jones. Sleek outfits with executive colours ranging from red to black to white. Short shoulder length, sharp edged hairdo with ample chest. She lit up the whole movie, otherwise a plain one with too many cats in the bag.

The original cast got a fresh look, some to disastrous consequences. Pitt was hot 3 movie years ago. His makeover made him look like a pimp, donning a glaring light blue suit in the beginning of the movie itself. What a waste!

Clooney was, ah, so, ah,…..Clooney.. Looking 50 plus neck upwards is quite undesirable. The market for mature, deep-voiced gentlemen however has sky-rocketed, so don’t you worry yourself sick, Old Boy!

Then, the young-ones grew up a little, or maybe not quite. This serves as the usual ‘complications’ to spice up the movie. Damon screws things up a little in the beginning by implying that the 12-year-old niece of the job-broker is a whore. Opps! Mortally terrified of committing crimes deemed wrong morally, mommy’s boy gets the whole leadership thing ¾ through the movie. Expect some hilarious scenes – thanks to him.


Cast aside, this is what’s in and what’s not – Ocean 12’s style.


1.French is in and so is Europe.
-The suave bad-boy dances his way through the heist.

-Flat-bottomed, bored, rich and exceptionally brilliant – watch him do a job minus high-tech gizmos.

-Europe lends its culture to and otherwise capitalistic, bland American thievery.

2.Sexy secretaries always mindful of their employers’ welfare is so cliché.

3.The credits recognises a fictional character playin a non-fictional character –logic?

-Julia Roberts who is acting as Tess Ocean acts as Julia Roberts. This just leaves a bitter aftertaste to this originally intended to be sweet movie.

4.Mother’s have vacated their rather deeming roles to fill an opening at least a level higher than their previous jobs.

-The thought that it was a mother that finally whisks away the robbers from the slammer is uplifting. No more stay-in mums that only changes diapers!


This movie didn’t quite life up to its expectation. It’s just a holiday treat I suppose. Great guys and beautiful girls should make out for the obvious lack of substance.

Indolence - Tis' the Season

There’s something insidious and subversive at the End of each year. Everything slows…comes to a halt – all false misconceptions. Vastness of space and ambience of tranquillity greets you with a straight face. There is nothing to do (on the surface) but to accept its kind benevolence, only to be flayed and knifed - come next year. We view the entire backlog and remain optimistic – there is always Time. Come next year, and I will accelerate.

With experience, we know we cannot afford a moment of Procrastination – we do it nonetheless. Blame it all on the Falsehood of the season – The End of the Year. Thought to be a time for recuperation, we soothe the nerve, relax the muscle, immobilise the joints, fill the belly, and consume Idleness with delight. Come next year – we cannot even hold our foot on the accelerating pedal.

Irony, irony. When I was younger, a full 3 months would come and go before I add 1 to update the year when writing the date for school work, perhaps a week will pass before the straight, rigid, uncompassionate contour of the pencil warms up to me…

It so tempting to believe that there is a margin separating now and the next, but it’s a creation, at best. Fluidity of the days passing, discriminating none from now and the next, excruciating continuum.

The End of the Year, the season of bafflement and indulgences. The season to hibernate only to be quickly, rashly jerked into action – come Next year. But, while it lasts, I shall reap the joys of Indolence.

Ass + U + Me

First witnessed and endured the insensitivity and the starkness of red tape as I stepped into secondary school. At that moment, it seemed like the ‘natural flow’ to join the prefectorial board and bully everybody into immaterial straight lines, two-by-two. Fast forward 5 years, and can saw with absolutism that I regret wearing that puerile maroon vest and purple tie that made everyone in the board look like complete morons! If I could wind back the clock, don’t think I would change one speck though.

There were millions of absurdities attached to the board. Today, however, I am resolutely going to make ‘The Rules of Thumb’ the laughing stock.

We were told, during the orientation week itself that it was going to be hellish – dozens of paper work, sheets after sheets of things to read and memorized, a battalion of seniors to suck up to…the list goes on and on and on.

So, we were told, “We prefects live up to these of rules. It’s the most basic thing we have to know, and if you don’t know this during Q & A (question and answer session after weekly meeting) you’re a roast duck!”

I don’t remember quite well, mayhap there were 9 or maybe 10 clauses to this. But, only one mattered the most. After talking to a fellow ‘maroon monster’ over lunch a couple of days ago, found out that this one dumb rule of Rule Number 5. Initially what fascinated me was the fact that it was exquisitely original, with just the right hint of vulgarity and simplicity. I remember saying it over and over, just because it had a nice twang with it.
So, basically, I was baffled when I found the real version of it – in a paper back fiction!

“Aha, hold it. You assumed. You assumed” Crawford wrote assume on a legal pad and began to underline. “If you assume when I send you on a job, Starling, you can make an ass of u and me both”.

Basically, rule #5 was a modified replica, and it lost its lustre instantaneously when the source discovered.
“Never assume. When you assume you make and ass of you and me”

The catch is, I’m reading ‘Silence of the Lambs’ by Thomas Harris. That’s the book that revealed the truth about all this mumbo-jumbo crap our seniors fed us. How intriguingly morbid…

Godspeed

-Eh, you're still here? What exam did you have?
-[ gulped my last sip of water ] Oh no, was in the library, studying a bit.
[giggles]
-[laughs] I'm going to miss that laugh.

I don't think that that was the last of her, my Biology lecturer. Maybe once or twice more before I bid au revoir.

It was rather expected but it was till unexpected. She left the all all gaping unanimously at her announcement. Just having completed her doctorate, it is only sensible for her to graze in greener pasture,expand her horizon and embrace greatness.

-How can she simply leave us like that...?
-We're gonna be lost next year...
-Can't she stay, just for 2 more months, complete the syllabus, then leave...?
-Don't think so.

She was the strictest of them all, but also, the one most closest to us. She even created an 'imaginary girlfriend' for a classmate and went as far a to excuse him whenever he disrupted the class with sonorous noises of imagined love-making and domestic brawls.

Needless to say, we were all happy when she told us she will be taking 2 weeks leave. She had an oral examination in UK. 2 weeks of bliss. 2 weeks of not being serious with the most information-laden subject.

-oh, how sweet! She's not here!!! NO BIO!!!
-Wei, show some respect, she's the teacher...

That shut me up and clouded my mind for so long till one day, while having shower, I realized that my joy was not substantiated by her absence but by the fact that we would not be having classes because of her absence.

Instead of 2 weeks, the bleak future holds possible an eternity of her absence. There are many things in life that I'm not sure of, but, I know one thing for sure - We are going to miss her, dearly.

Ice Cream

Exams has been all rotten and sour for 3 days running. That is of 3/4 days. Today, I have to give in to dejection. It's really expected anyway.

Picture this :

5 hours to Maths and I was piqued about the fact that the library had a collection of Rolling Stones. Yes, its out-dated, by 14 years. But, hey, didn't care, sort of an 80's person..

The first page revealed a youthful and robust Tom Cruise. The movie Born on the Fourth July was brand new and so was he.

Startled my friends with my frank remarks.

- I'm going to rub ice-cream all over him and then Lick-It-All-Up!

They wore horrified expressions.

Then realized the 'brutality' of my fantasies. Burst out then in exasperation.

- Don't you people have fantasies?!

Different strokes for different folks..... They diverted it all by asking me what flavour would be my preference.

-Vanilla

So, 6 hours and 45 minutes later.

-Hey, smile lar...

I just gave a 'weird-lar-you-don't-know-what-you're-freaking-about' shrug.

So I shrugged and am currently wondering why some just have it easy in life while some others don't. Then, lamented, like I usually do, with full force. Revoking old failures and flops, then comparing myself with relatively gifted and born with a silver spoon stuck in their arses!

1 more day to kill....1 more and perhaps, I will be dead.